Friday, September 21, 2018

Memories of a Hotel Camper

Camping. I never slept worse in my life. Eating s'mores and telling ghost stories before trying to sleep on the ground. Here's a pound of sugar and some adrenaline before bed. No matter where you sit, the campfire smoke billows into your face, especially your eyes. Where I come from you're supposed to say "I hate bunnies" to make the smoke change direction (seriously), but that doesn't really work. So then, you're up all night being uncomfy, and the monster in the woods hears you complaining and swearing and it leaves you alone, so that works. It's the constant sound of tent zippers, though. That and the ravenous horse flies, which have never seen the likes of yummy you. Raccoons get into your garbage almost like it's a favor, discreetly so as not to bother anyone, and if you're lucky there is a rustic bathroom just a hike away. Lest we forget the poisonous life forms. Meanwhile, you sit there in the dirt with bugs. Go camping, they said. It'll be fun, they said. So, to sum up, as long as you're going to try to sleep on bumpy uneven ground on an air mattress, which may or may not deflate slowly throughout the night dropping you to said ground, you might as well bring a memory foam mattress, or sleep in the car, or for that matter get a hotel room. Actually, just save the money and stay home with your own wifi and indoor plumbing.